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and i think i'm boring, so if you're bored and you want to laugh at other boring people, welcome. but you don't necessarily have to tell me i'm boring though, *glances at tagboard*. sooooo, let's have a little talk about me.

200th post.
how ironic it is that it's the 200th post; and it's destined to be an emo one.
ha ha.

this is my blog, and i shall post whatever i want.
i don't care what you think.
because no matter what everybody thinks, i'm still a person.
a human.
with raw emotions and surging feelings.
it isn't my fault that i hurt inside.
neither is it yours that you happen to feel weird while i rant.
so just leave me alone if you can't keep those comments to yourself.

i don't know why i feel like that.
i know i can't complain that i haven't got friends.
you have to be contented with what you have.
you can't just want more, and more, and more.
well it won't happen.

but sometimes.
sometimes, you're surrounded by friends.
but you're all alone.

i don't like that feeling.
it's not good to be a loner.
you don't have anyone to talk to.
you're all by yourself.

and it hurts to be alone.
it hurts alot.

ugh, i feel so pathetic.
why am i blogging like this.
i'm a superstar aren't i.
ha ha.
):

i wish i could just leave everything here.
and run away.
i don't know - perhaps to somewhere in antarctica.
then i'll be best friends with a penguin and we'll waddle all over the icebergs.
we'll play hide and seek and when we're hungry we'll go fishing.
and we'll keep fishing and eating and grow fat to stay warm.
and nobody would care.
because nobody else is there to care.
it'll only be the penguins, the fish, and i.
we'll have fun, won't we?
well.
won't we?

i have to say this.
i can't keep it in any longer.

you.
i love you.
yes i do.
and i don't know why.
i hate myself for loving you.
why - of all guys, why you?
i thought i'd already gotten over your lousy being.
but just as i thought i'd be happy again;
i found myself in love with you again.

i hate you.
i hate you for making me love you.
i hate you for making me sound like romeo.
i hate you for existing.
why on earth did you come into my life!
i was happy without you and all the complications that come with you.
i don't appreciate all the buy-one-get-everything-else-free offer.
you're ruining my life.
you're ruining my relationships.
you're ruining me.
and yet.
i still love you.

sure you're popular.
and if i may say so myself - i think i'm quite popular as well.
i don't know, it may all be a facade.
to deceive others is easy; to be deceived is easier.
i regret spending time with you.
you probably won't even read this.
because you could hardly care about me anymore, right?

i'm just an acquaintance, a normal friend.
you've got loads of them.
loads of normal friends.
and some, some are closer.
it hurts when i see you with them.
having so much fun.
and i can't even bring myself close to having fun with my own close buddies.
and i hate myself for that.

why am i brooding over this!
my life is perfect -
i've got great friends around me; great parents; a great dog; a great cca; a great family; a great God.
but why oh why.
I DETEST YOU, DO YOU KNOW THAT?!

ugh. i want to stop swearing already.
as a christian, i musn't swear.
):

sigh.
it hurts me alot alot alot.
everything that concerns you.
everybody that revolves around you.
definitely not me eh.
haha.
i'm trying to forget you already.
although you may not care about me anymore.
although i may mean nothing to you.
although you may ask, "Who are you?" to me in the near future.
although you may fall in love with someone else and tell her you love her.
although you may not appreciate what i've done for you.
although i end up all alone in this vast world.

if you ask me once again, i'll still tell you i love you.

oh man.
Lord, why do i feel like this.
i so totally hate myself now.
ugh ugh ugh.
kristalynn yue, you so totally suck bigtime.
whatever.

sorry, but bear with me please.
im really feeling so damn emo now.
!@#%^&*(
sorry for the incessant and never ending rants.
here i go again.
it's all a cycle.

i've already lost a close friend once.
he was my confidant, my best friend, my trustworthy pal.
and he loved God.
but i lost him.
we drifted and he's closer to my junior than he is to me now.
and to think that we were once best friends.
i thought we could be best friends.
i thought that maybe, just maybe, you and i, we could be like what me and the other friend were.
i thought that i'd be able to tell you everything, and i thought that i could be your listening ear.
i tried so hard.
but you didn't let me.
of course i couldn't just say it out loud - i have my pride y'know.
and you've got your own friends too.
and yet.
everytime i try to talk to you, you push me away.
and that's not all.
you say things.
things that hurt.
ugh.
everything hurts nowadays.
but more when you say it.
because, i wanted you to be my best friend.
you matter to me.

and now i'm losing you.
do you know that i'm crying because of you?
and i don't know why.
there are a million and one things i don't have a clue about.
i am so pathetic.
so what if i have a thousand and one friends.
they don't care about me.
i thought you did.
apparently you didn't, right?
and you pushed me away so roughly, i fell.
i fell deep into a bottomless pit and i can't ever find my footing again.
because this is the second time i've been left alone.
and there'll be nobody to pick me up.
because all the warm, inviting hands which once stretched into the pit i've fallen into to pick me up have long gone.
replaced by the cold tendrils of loneliness and desperation.

and as i see you get closer with another person.
as i watch from the sidelines.
i close my eyes and drown in the engulfing blackness surrounding me, pulling me down.
and i'll never reach the ground again.
i'll forever be held in midair, falling, falling, falling.
forever falling deeper into the pits of solitude.
no, it's not solitude.
because it's not my choice to be alone.
i've never had a choice.

at this rate, i'm gonna be needing alot of tape to paste the pieces of my heart back where they belong.
this is getting crazy.
i'm going insane.
maybe this is why i need a blog.
there are some things which you can't even talk about to your best friend.
but they may be easier to talk about with someone else, a total stranger.
life sucks.
i wish i could just get run down by a car and have amnesia and forget about this whole complicated shitass matter and start life anew.

no, actually i don't want that.
i'm afraid of pain.
i can't imagine how much it'll hurt to get bashed up by some stupid metal thing with rubber wheels.

well then. what do i want?
oh dammit.
i don't know.
maybe i just want somebody to walk with me for now.

everybody around me has somebody else with them.
it irks me somehow; all this love.
LOL - now ppl will think i'm despo for a stead man.

but hey.
i don't care what others think of me anymore.
they can say what they like.
because this is my life.
it sucks so much it can't get any worse.

now i realise.
i have God with me.
he'll always be with me
he's my abba father.
so even if the whole world turns against me.
even if the whole world hates me.
even if the guy i love despises me.
even if my best friends turn their back on me.
i have to continue living my life bravely.
for myself, for my family, for God.

and as i break down in tears tonight, i remind myself.
that i'll still love him.
that i'll still want to be your best friend.
that i'll still have God.

& i'll still be heartbroken and torn apart.

):


"Every little thing's gonna be alright."
hey delirious?
i'm not so sure about that anymore.

Labels: 200th post, delirious?, emo, friends, God, love